My most stressful moments seem to come when someone I love is sick and we are in the hospital system. My brother pointed out that lack of control was my biggest stress factor in the middle of an emergency room while my Mom lay there quite ill and undiagnosed. I am more like a whale out of water than a fish. Everyone in emergency is so busy and they don’t ever seem to have much time to tell you what is going on, what they are doing or how long it might take. It’s understandable — at least when you’re calm and rational. But it’s highly frustrating when your dear, sweet mother is not well, and even more stressful when you are accustomed to being in control with those same people. I do lots of training and facilitating work in the health care system where I am the one in the driver’s seat. I also know how they feel about people who are too intrusive.

My three-part solution for these times is to go into “stresscom” mode:

1. Accept you are stressed and express it. In my case, it was my mother, for goodness sake. It is human to care and be worried. Asking questions without getting in the way or being obnoxious resonates with most people in health care. They got into this field because they care about people. It’s OK to express the fact that you love this person and are worried. The more information you have, the more you will feel like you have some control. Be up front about how freaked out this makes you and they will likely offer reassuring comments and more information.

2. Try to make the unpredictable more predictable. Whatever the situation, a hospital emergency ward or a boardroom, put on your observer lens and look for the “expected” reactions from others. Should I get more bothered because some guy is screaming at the end of the hall or another person is moaning in the bed beside us? This is an emergency room and all that is to be expected. In a boardroom or just with friends or family, you can probably anticipate the reactions of others and that makes it more predictable.

3. Control yourself from within. Recognize that even in the direst of situations you are not helpless. I could get Mom a blanket or talk to her in soothing tones. BTW, my Mom is as fit as ever again and we never did find out what was wrong so it did absolutely no good worrying about it.

Clark’s book Nerve is well worth the read. Packed with science-based studies from people such as psychologist Salvatore Maddi, who believes we can train people to increase their “hardiness.” I would make this book mandatory for teenagers. I would also make stresscom a part of the high school curriculum. Puberty is stressful enough, let alone all the other acne-induced concerns of that age group. Give hormone-filled kids with very little understanding about how to communicate their concerns, and it is a recipe for unnecessary distress. Stresscom 101 — learn how to survive your teen years.

I’d love to have other book recommendations for stress relief. I need all the ammo I can get to help people in my presentation training sessions. Overcoming the stress of public speaking always ranks high on the never meter. The topic of my next post — Speak or Die, Which Would You Prefer?