Deconstructing with Della: Let us all be grateful
December 25, 2017 |
| Before the Shot, Norman Rockwell (1958) |
As this
blog post lands on Christmas Day, I felt the need to share my thoughts about some
amazing people who have endured tough times in the past year.
I will keep communication as the central theme, but their stories have inspired me in other ways as well. These are people who have had major health
challenges. I won’t name names but they will know it is about them. It is kind
of a tribute and recognition of how they chose to communicate. There is no
right or wrong way to deal with difficult health problems, but these people
found their own way and they were all brilliant for different reasons.
First and
foremost is my friend who has been dealing with leukemia since last July. She
lives out of town so has been stuck in Vancouver while going through chemo and other treatments. She
is one of the sweetest people I know. Never a harsh word or real complaint
about anything. It has been a rocky road of continual surprise. Hell, we
thought she would be here for a couple of weeks. As she went through her procedures there were many setbacks and challenges. She admitted to having her moments…but overall
always came back to saying “what good would it do to get upset or angry”. Being
mad would only cause more stress and she did not need that. She is tougher now
and more direct but overall has never lost that lovely sunny disposition. It
makes everyone want to support her. Thank you for this life lens, Ms. N.D.
Next is
my pal who never made it to see Christmas. Ovarian cancer took her from us far
too soon. She was a fighter. Super capable and independent, she reached out to me for
help in the final six months of her life. This was a huge lesson in communication
for her. And, one, everyone should consider. She called me late one night to
ask if I could meet her the next morning at a hospital in the city. She needed someone to help her navigate the
system. Her husband who loved her dearly was just not cut out for that type of
interaction, and he was way too emotionally invested. We spent some quality
time together where she shared her innermost feelings. I was not her best
friend, there were others who were closer. I was someone she could unload
with and be a support where needed. Huge lesson. It is not always the closest
one who can be the most help when things are dire. This woman was super capable and independent and not accustomed to asking for anything. She told me it made a huge difference when she realized how much people wanted to help.
My other
friend who has ovarian cancer has been sharing her feelings publicly and I
think that has been therapeutic for her and her many friends. She started out
quiet and only sharing with her closest pals. As things progressed, she started
to put the message out on social media channels. I believe it was more for her
son to read in the future but it created an avalanche of support. The lesson
here is people do want to help and don't know how. Being super open, in her
case, enabled an outpouring of love and caring. I think it is what she needs.
Key takeaway here is putting it out to the universe (when you are ready) can
reap solid rewards.
A
gentleman friend who was a powerhouse in his day is now, due to health
constraints, pretty much housebound. He does not like to ask for help but is
quick to accept a get together and relishes hearing tales from the “outside”
world. He is still one of the smartest people I know and could run circles around
most of us. His humble nature make him enduring and a joy to be around. He
thinks his illness has impacted his brain. I beg to differ. He still has great
insight into current affairs and even if the body is not able, his mind is still spectacular. Important to remember that people
care about you and want to be in your presence. It ain’t about the body any
more, it is about the mindset.
Another
friend was diagnosed with serious, albeit not life threatening illness. As the powerful
matriarch, she had many family members to consider. She has always been the
strong one and was concerned about how others would handle her vulnerability.
She shared a bit but still maintained her role as the protector of all. The
family rallied and got involved. As freaked as they were about her, they
stepped up and were strong in spite of their fear. I believe she is far less
worried about most of the clan now. She has raised strong, independent people
who will survive no matter what. Not sure if that holds true for her husband.
His love for her is so deep; I am not sure how he will manage if something happens. Fingers crossed that won't happen for a very long time. But, the rest of
the crew will be there so I think it will be okay. My big lesson with this one
is how we need to trust the ones around us to be capable to manage through
tough scenarios.
My final
example is my husband. This one I will reveal. After eight years of severe health
issues, he has made a comeback. In May this year, it was so dire, we did not
think he would pull through. In the past six months, I have watched this man
rebuild his life. He had a little health blip last week and was in the hospital
again for a couple of days. But, even then, he did not give up or dwell in a
sea of pity. He has the will of an ox.
I so
admire his tenacity. He is incredibly strong. With constant pain and a series
of sporadic illnesses, he never gives up. Not ever one for mushy sentiments, he quietly shows his appreciation for help. I think it is hard for him to
admit he needs support but he also knows there is not a lot of choice when you
have many ailments. He has taught me dogged determination.
You might
read this blog and see a lot of pain and heartache. I think of this as
inspiration. All these people, with their various health maladies are living
life fully and finding their own way to communicate that works for them.
If there
is one thing I have learned about health issues, it is everyone has a different
experience. Same goes for how they communicate or want to be communicated to. The best way to know what works, is ask.
To deconstruct:
Don't assume you know how someone with health issues wants to discuss (or not
discuss) what is happening. Let them decide, listen and do as they wish. It is
not about you.
Happy
holidays and here’s to good health. Let us all be grateful.
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