Dining with Della: Jae Kim at Minami
April 04, 2016
Over fabulous sushi at Minami restaurant in Yaletown, Jae Kim
and I went through the blog questions. My first introduction to Jae came via my
friend, Ken Dobell who said,"You are going to love this woman, she is a lawyer
from New York who has worked on big social initiatives and is super smart". If
Ken Dobell says you are smart, it is a huge compliment as he has one of the
biggest brains on this planet (IMHO).
Jae lived up to the billing and we got to know each other
through a major homelessness initiative. She is strong on strategy,
particularly when it comes to philanthropic endeavours. Right now, she is
working with Frank Guistra at the Radcliffe Foundation, a group doing international and local programs to support disaster relief, economic development
and homelessness, focusing on children. They have recently launched an
initiative to support Syrian refugees.
Aside from being a savvy strategist, Jae is always exploring her
spiritual side. From silent (no talking allowed!) retreats to meditation
practices, she continually builds on her EQ, questioning life and asking questions
to make her a better person. Every time I am with Jae, I come away feeling
inspired.
What worked...
What one bit of communication impacted your life?
Jae quotes her father saying, “The biggest challenge in life is
within ourselves”. She said she never completely understood what he meant at the
time but now, through her practice of meditation and Buddhism over the last
three years, it is much clearer. When you go for eight hours a day not talking, you
understand how many problems come from the inability to sit quietly in a room
and stay in the moment – especially when the sensation is unpleasant. As she
says, “Human beings are cravings on legs”.
(Note from Della: That line and image will stick with me forever.)
For her, as a debater, lawyer, communicator and salesperson, she
thought she needed to talk, talk, talk to show how much she knew. She has
learned the power in being able to sit still, be quiet and not express every
thought that comes to mind. In the past, she would question the wisdom of
people who did not say much. She has learned that was a wrong assumption. It is
not how much someone talks or how loudly, pearls of wisdom are often pithy and
short. Truth is not really complex. And, not all your thoughts are truth. Sitting
still helps you discern what is real. She now feels she understands her
father’s words.
What did not work...
Jae says her natural tendency is to be a people pleaser and shy
away from saying something that will hurt feelings. She always wanted to be nice and not disliked. She can think of many small and big examples where she would just
smile and not say anything, then those oppressed feelings would come out later as
anger.
She had two “small” examples she felt comfortable sharing.
The first happened while getting her nails done by someone who
obviously did not know what they were doing. As a people pleaser, she did not
want to be critical or get the person fired. In her head, she thought she would
be a nice person and just go home and scrub it off. But, by the end of her
appointment, her temper was at the boiling point. When she went to pay, she finally
said it was probably not a great manicure (and she was paying top dollar) and that
perhaps the person should get more training. They offered to pay for her
manicure and she declined but felt totally frustrated. She realized she did
that person a disservice. Sitting there fuming for ninety minutes was not helpful to
anyone. The manicurist needed to learn her technique was not up to expected
standards.
(Note from Della: This story got Jae going on a sidebar about how polite we are
as Canadians and how more honesty would be helpful. She recalled a meeting we
had attended many years ago and how she walked out thinking it was great and I
had a totally different take - the nuances of the room were not readily apparent. Jae quickly grasped the Canadian way of not being totally candid but still
believes more honesty and directness, personally and professionally, would enable us to have
better relations.)
Jae’s next example involved her nanny, a hard working, Mexican
immigrant who held down other jobs such as Starbucks. When she first hired the
woman she stressed she was not hiring her as a housekeeper, her focus was the
children. (Jae has two adorable daughters). Of course, she said, if you make the
meal, she would expect her to clean up and, as an example to the kids, she would
teach them to tidy up toys, etc. As time went on, Jae would come home to find stuff
everywhere and the nanny sitting back, looking at her phone and drinking coffee. At first, she thought she would have to fire her, then decided to have the uncomfortable conversation. She stressed how she had no
problem leaving her children with her. The kids trusted her, as did she. Jae
talked about how the children are her most prized processions and being a nanny is
like be a mommy. However, she explained there was a basic expectation around
keeping the place tidy. The nanny welled up and thanked her for talking about it.
Turns out the nanny had only babysat and fudged about her nanny experience so she had
no idea what was expected. They are doing just fine now. Jae said she is the
best nanny ever.
What if...
What advice would you give to your younger self to enhance your ability to communicate with others – and why?
Stick to being authentic in terms of communicating in
uncomfortable situations. If you have the right intent, don't shy away or let fear
of rejection or people not liking you hold you back. When you act out of fear,
it does not work out.
What matters is being authentic, having class and manners.
Jae is one classy, brilliant woman.
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