Number 35 of 52 Communication Lessons: Melville Minister Mishap
August 31, 2015 |
| Queen Mother, 1967 |
The year was 2002.
A Beautiful Mind wins Best Picture and Kelly Clarkson wins the first American Idol (We are now on Season 15). Elizabeth, the Queen Mother dies at age 101. Locally, the City of Vancouver brings together a group of stakeholders to devise a plan to revitalize Chinatown.
My husband is from Melville, Saskatchewan. It is a pretty little town of just under 5,000 people. I have been going there with him since 1974. It took me a while to understand the small town ways but I grew to love many of its attributes. People don't lock their doors, kids play freely in the parks and everybody knows your family name. You refill your own coffee at TJ's, the local gas station/coffee shop - the prairie version of a European town square.
The year my father-in-law died, we went back to support the family in the preparations. My in-laws were Pentecostal, that robust religion known for expressive hallelujahs and praise the Lord shout outs. I don't subscribe to any faith so I always found this one interesting albeit quite restrictive. They are not crazy about dancing, books or playing cards. All things I happen to enjoy. I never went to any of the services, only heard about the beliefs ad-hoc.
The family elected me to do the eulogy and while I felt a bit funny speaking at the church, I would do anything to make this easier for everyone. When the Minister came to the house to meet, I had already prepared the list of music, had an agenda and program for the ceremony, and written out all the elements required. I had even decided on the food needed from the Church folk. I heard the tea and sandwich preparation was by donation. Not knowing how much we should give, I called the local hotel to get a sense of what it would cost to have them cater the event and based our contribution on that.
Everything went smoothly and I think Walter (my father-in-law) would have been pleased. The following year, in 2002, my mother-in-law passed and we were back for the same reason. This time when I met with the Minister he started by saying he had something to confess to me. Moi? A Minister confessing something to me? He explained that when we met the last time he was new to town and the church. It was his first gig as a Minister. (Gig, my words, not his) He said I did a bunch of his work the last time and the local town folk set him straight on his next funeral service. We had a good laugh... it was the first time for both of us. I had just assumed our family was to do all the planning. Too funny.
It is so easy to make assumptions about things we have never done before. The Minister and I were comfortable with our roles the first time around, less work for him and more control for me, so it turned out fine. Unfortunately, it set him up for a bit of failure the next time around but overall, we were both happy with the results.
I had also given the church ladies almost triple the standard donation and they treated me like a rock star. Might have created expectations for bigger donations in the future but I expect not. They probably just got a kick out of the city girl and her free spending ways.
Sometimes, when we are not influenced by protocol or "the norm" we do things the way we think they should be done. As long as one errs on the positive, it can be a good thing.
Communications Lessons:
- Don't predispose that you cannot have a bond, share a laugh and have an inside joke with someone who has a dramatically different viewpoint than your own.
- Doing what you think is right can have a great spin off... even if it is wrong. Intent is everything. Before you Google, think for yourself how you think things should be done.
- The old adage - never assume because you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me" is not always true.
Fast Forward to 2015:
Perhaps today with Google at our fingertips we are less apt to make assumptions about anything. It is so easy to find out the protocol for any type of major event or activity. I am so glad I did not have internet access at that time. My assumptions created a unique bond for me with the church people, something I would never have expected.
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