One of the kids on our block growing up had a serious stutter. I still see him to this day and he continues to speak with stilted words. We grew up in the East End (wrong side of the tracks) and you can imagine the teasing he endured, but he was a bit of a tough guy and had rough and tumble friends so the bullying was minimal. I still hear people jump in to finish his words and learned long ago this was not helpful. Interrupting anybody is rude but for people with slower speech patterns or a stutter, it is tantamount to cutting someone off in traffic. It creates huge anger and resentment.

I was thrilled to see the movie The King’s Speech, the story of King George VI of Britain and his extreme drive to overcome stuttering. We need more exposure and discussion about speech challenges so we can help these people engage fully. Learning how to be respectful of what they need makes our ability to connect easier. So the next time you are with someone who obviously needs more time to get to their point, shut your pie hole and give them your full attention and respect. From the Aretha Franklin song of the same title, Respect, “Find out what it means to me.” For most people, it just means letting them finish their thought.

I know an entire family who all have a funny way of describing situations in great, laborious detail and I have been known to cut them off when they can’t seem to cut to the chase. Family members have expressed their frustration at being interrupted and I have learned to respect that we all have our own little communication foibles so I should respect theirs. Still working on this one.

I called this post Communicating Through Barriers as the concept of pushing through and beyond the barrier is what is important. In this part of the world, having English as a second language can be a barrier. Our community is multicultural and there are translation services available in the health care system and most government agencies supply information in a variety of languages. Even with good resources, connecting with people who have strong accents or limited knowledge of English creates hurdles. Last Christmas, I wanted to give our condo building maintenance man a small token of our appreciation for keeping the place so clean. Throughout the year, I try to connect with him and usually it is met with a grumpy “no English” response. Never one to give up, I thought a little gift might be a breakthrough. As I heard the familiar whir of the vacuum outside our door, I grabbed the gift and rushed out to hand it over. He looked at me and said “Garbage?” He actually thought I was expecting him to take out my trash! Oh my. No, I replied, a little gift for you. He looked like he had been hit with a stun gun, spread his arms wide with the biggest smile you could imagine. No need for words. Later that week, we shared our names. I have as much trouble pronouncing his multi-syllable, consonant-filled Bosnian name as he does my short, punchy Della. But, we are connecting. Some obstacles are worth stomping over. He is trying to learn English and I aim to help.

Other barriers involve appearances. Through my work with people who are homeless I have sat in on sessions with teens who are working their way out of dire situations. One young woman commented on how she used her appearance of excessive body piercings, tattoos and black leather grunge to ward off the bad street people and look tough while inside she was as terrified as any two-year-old. I have walked past many of these children (and, yes they are still children) feeling intimidated but still wonder how someone so young could put up such a harsh exterior. Now, I try to look through that barrier and connect to the person within. Sometimes just a smile will open that door.

Obstacles come in a variety of forms. Bad grammar can set the stage for judgment and disconnects. I must admit it makes me shiver to hear people drop their “g’s” or use terms like ain’t and gonna. However, that does not make them bad people or any less interesting. Correcting grammar is a parent’s or editor’s job, not that of a friend or acquaintance, unless requested. You just have to learn to let it go. As much as it still makes me cringe, I have many good friends who are never going to be grammar-savvy.

The final barrier is facial expression. Almost every time I give a speech, there is someone in the audience whom I swear hates me. Whenever I catch their eye I have to look away or it destroys my mood and concentration. They have this look of utter disgust etched on their face. Inevitably, this is the person who comes up after the speech to say something and every single time it is to pass along (to my utter surprise) a compliment. Rarely do the people who really disagree with you come up to say something; usually they just tweet about it. A good friend of mine’s mother said you should always try to have a slight smile on your face when standing somewhere waiting for someone. Just to look pleasant and confident. I wish those people in the audience could do that for me. I am certain they have no inkling about the signals they are sending. The people who nod while you speak make you feel so good that you focus on them. We rarely look at our own faces and they are one of our most important communication tools. Make sure yours is not a barricade to connecting.

Aside from dealing with barriers, compelling communicators know what motivates people. Are you a nodder or a frowner? Let me know. Next week, we will get into what motivates with Pink’s Carrots and Sticks.