Most people start a conversation by asking, “How are you?” People tend to respond with comments like fine, good, or super busy and get the benign niceties over with quickly. I have been at lunches that stay at the superficial level and not much of substance is said. I don’t like to repeat those too often. This is not to say I want to delve into the psyche of everyone that I share a bite with. What I do prefer is a meaningful exchange of ideas, feelings and information. That is the engagement portion. Engagement, just like the stage before a wedding, is a critical step in finding out if we have anything in common or can derive something of value from each other.

I met a woman on a flight who has become a friend. It was an unusual connection as I tend not to talk to people on airplanes. Past experiences have resulted in mind-numbing conversations where I have been trapped for four hours or more listening to someone’s woes. No thanks. Anyway, this woman and I exchanged the minimal pleasantries, read our books and did not really talk until the last 20 minutes or so. Turned out she was an actress and while there was no obvious connection, we liked each other. She said we should meet up for dinner and we exchanged business cards. I have traded lots of cards this way and never saw or thought about the person again. This time was different. She emailed and we set up a dinner. Since then we continue to meet and each time find more reasons to enjoy our new friendship. A big plus is that she is highly entertaining, the next E in our trio.

She is entertaining with a capital E. Aside from regaling me with great stories of her struggling actor life in New York or LA, she uses her voice to keep you glued to her every word. She does voice work professionally so she has one up on most of us but I have learned a lot from her expressive ways. She takes a great interest in my work and finds ways to connect the dots to acting. Here is a line she quoted at one of our dinners:

The definition of "acting" is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances.

She believes that is what I do when I facilitate or do my workshops. As she explained, I walk in like the teacher and that is what everyone expects me to do. A version of acting.

Working on being more “entertaining” does not mean we have to do a song and dance routine but it does mean working at our conversations and presentations to captivate others and leave memorable impressions.

Being a compelling communicator does require a little bit of acting. Think about the presenters you have heard or a teacher that stuck out. What made them unique? Was there are little bit of theatrics tossed in? Did they use hand gestures or change their voice to enthrall you? A favourite childhood memory involves my Mom reading Winnie the Pooh to me and playacting unique voices for Piglet and Eyore.

Next time you want to compel, try the three E’s: Empathy, Engagement and Entertainment.

Please tell us about an actor you think is a compelling communicator off the stage or screen, and why. We can learn from these public figures. I listened to a Jane Fonda interview on CBC radio last year and she struck me as provocatively entertaining with her use of whispering, emphasis and elongating certain words like “Noooo” to make her point. She was also the master of the pause, forcing the listeners to lean in and pay attention.

Another compelling whisperer was Jacqueline Kennedy. Having listened to the seven hours of her 1964 conversations with Arthur M. Schlesinger, the distinguished historian made me understand how she used her gentile mannerisms of asking breathy questions for effect. She even seemed ladylike and polite while she was trashing someone. Here is a little excerpt on the question about JFK’s take on “negro leaders” like Martin Luther King. Imagine these words with her Bostonian accent and the deliberate pauses.

“Well, I don’t think … I don’t know what he … well, I do know what he thought of him later. Well, he said what an incredible speaker he was during that freedom march thing and … he acknowledged that having had that call during the campaign got them … Then he told of a tape that the FBI had of Martin Luther King when he was here for the freedom march. And he said this with not bitterness or anything, how he was calling up all these girls and arranging for a party of men and women, I mean, sort of an orgy in the hotel, and everything. Oh yeah. At first he said, oh, well, you know … and I said, “Oh, but Jack that’s so terrible, I mean that man is, you know, such a phoney then.”

Ironic as everyone today knows about JFK’s dalliances.

Through those taped interviews she can still relay her feelings effectively more than 50 years after the fact.

One of the many great things about technology today is the opportunity to listen to academic experts for free through iTunes U. I listen to podcasts from places like Harvard or Cambridge on a regular basis. Check them out for the empathy, engagement and entertainment values.

Let me know what you think. Who are the steller speakers out there?

Next week, Communicating Through Barriers.