Reflection 2 of 52: How can we un-bully?
January 13, 2014.jpg)
In the January issue of Vanity Fair, editor Graydon Carter writes a tongue in cheek piece about a letter from Donald Trump based on an upcoming story questioning the credibility of "trump university".
The Trump letter, according to Carter, contains statements such as:
"Let me tell you one thing that you can count on with great certainty - if you hit me, I will hit you back 100 times harder - harder than you've ever been hit before!"
Mr. Trump also referred to the editor as a "scumbag" and "a piece of garbage"
Carter adeptly, in my humble opinion, takes on "the Donald" with class and puts him in his place. His letter starts with a clever twist saying how great it was to hear from his well-known chum and how flattered he was that Trump recalled an earlier article from 1984. Trump's threats seem so silly and immature, they lose any intended sting. Click here for the full story.
Witty rebuttals seem to be a smart way to counter bully language. You don't want to turn the bully into a victim as per the classic conflict triangle of bully/victim/saviour. However, you need to take a stand so the bully knows their threats have no power.
I recently did a session with a group (predominantly men) who opened up about the overly critical culture in their organization. No one in the room liked it but they all had succumbed to perpetuating the negative vibes. We talked it through and made a pact to discontinue the disruptive and destructive behaviour. It took courage for the first guy to mention it and a safe environment for everyone to stand up and agree it was not the way they wanted to act.
Standing by and accepting bully language is not healthy for anyone.
I recall being appalled when our local police chief left a bullet ridden target practice sheet on the City Manager's desk with the words "A bad day at the range is better than the best day at work". Some of my colleagues, at the time, saw nothing wrong with this. He apologized but I really question the judgement of someone who would do that. I understand that police could get desensitized due to their work, but I still don't want the chief acting so juvenile.
Many years ago, during a particularly aggressive media training session, a police officer stopped the mock interview and said he had a 15 cent solution for me. I gather that is what bullets cost at the time. I knew he was joking but we did end the interview on that note.
I think I have a pretty good sense of humour but overly intimidating language is just plain wrong in my books.
I suspect most bullies have been bullied themselves. I think we should disarm them with charm and conviction.
Once, after growing weary of their bravado and bullying, I remember telling a group of my male co-workers to "Just put it on the table and get out the ruler". I would not resort to that lowly level today, but it was pretty effective then.
Better to calmly explain that you find bully tactics and language unacceptable and move on to higher ground.
How have you un-bullied a situation?
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