When I first started facilitating meetings I would find myself completely drained by the end of the session. Literally, I would feel like lying down on the floor and going to sleep. Just for the record, people don’t hire facilitators for easy meetings. They are usually challenging in some way. I began to look for an antidote to my end-of-session weariness, from going to a Buddhist temple to find some inner strength or peace to online sources and more. Whenever I have a challenge like this in my life, I talk about it and put it out to people to see if someone can point me in the right direction. Someone I trusted recommended a coach, but I’m a tad resistant to the concept. At our first meeting I told him I did not want any hoochy goochy touchy feely sessions — just give me a tool or a plan and I will figure it out from there. Fast forward a few months’ worth of intense sessions later. I discovered I was playing “saviour” in my sessions. The saviour in the world of conflict resolution is always trying to fix other people and other people’s problems. No wonder I was tired.

Learning about the conflict resolution triangle was an invaluable communications lesson. The triangle consists of three views – the Victim, the Bully and the Saviour. The victim and the bully are just who you think, and the interesting thing about them is they can switch back and forth in a conversation. The saviour keeps trying to save others and in doing so sometimes becomes the victim and hence, the triangle keeps rotating around. Think about a conflict situation you have experienced and I bet you can point out these players easily. A good facilitator needs to be able to stay outside of the triangle and be an observer at all times. Good communicators keep on an observer lens as well.

But it’s the observer whom we should all strive to be. The observer knows sometimes people need to vent but also knows how and when to make interventions. Victims, bullies and saviours exhibit behaviors that hinder such as defensiveness, passive aggressive commentary, asking entrapping questions and letting emotions run rampant.

Most people have disaster stories about conflict situations. Here are some of the methods I use to resolve conflict. I’d love to hear some of yours.

At the beginning of meetings I ask people to establish norms or rules for the session. Some I have picked up in reading Ingrid’s facilitation books and others come from people telling me their pet peeves. One of my favourites is to challenge ideas, not people. Another is to disagree but not be disagreeable. Establishing ground rules for debates keeps the mood civil and allows people to push back if the rules are broken.

Showing respect for all views and concern for people’s feelings before getting into the details of the discussion eases the emotion. Studies conducted in crisis communication show that people trust others if they show compassion and caring. It is ranked higher than expertise when people are gauging trustworthiness. And, the studies also show if it is a man showing that he cares, it ranks even higher. Supposedly, it is unexpected.

Paraphrasing helps as long as it is not patronizing. Repeating back someone’s point or getting more clarity about the point and truly trying to understand the other perspective can diffuse a situation.

Disclosing personal feelings to bring more sensitivity to the discussion can work in certain situations.

Overall, the greatest asset in conflict is remaining calm and keeping that observer lens on fully. To share more tips on keeping calm, the next post Walk, Don’t Run will focus on control techniques for those heated times.