An early Freddie Mercury

Everybody’s talking at me and I can’t hear a word they are saying. The spine-tingling lyrics of the song by Harry Nilsson for the 1969 movie Midnight Cowboy often come into my head when I hear classic corporate terminology. The proliferation of social media has made it compulsory for us to get back to having conversations, not just talking at people. Thank goodness.

While I still believe Content is King for good communications, in today’s world it would be more appropriate to say Conversation is Queen.

Writing or speaking conversationally has become unnatural for lots of people who have been taught that “corporate speak” makes you sound knowledgeable. There is a game on the Internet called Bullshit Bingo where you click on the word or terms every time you hear them in a meeting. Once you get five squares you stand up and yell, “Bullshit!” Now, this might be a career-limiting move in some organizations, so better to just try not to fall into this trap yourself.

Wikipedia describes a conversation as follows: Conversation is an interactive, more-or-less spontaneous, communication between two or more conversants. Interactivity occurs because contributions to a conversation are response reactions to what has previously been said. Spontaneity occurs because a conversation must proceed, to some extent, and in some way, unpredictably. In other words, conversation is an exchange of ideas and opinions.

We all know this is how conversations work yet there are so many instances where people fail at this basic tool of communication. Some people get so caught up in what they are thinking while the other person is talking they interrupt with their point or jump in with something totally irrelevant to what the other person has just said. Next time you are in a conversation try to be fully present and listen with rapt attention and participate without letting sidebar thoughts enter your mind. I will give you specific tools on how to pay attention better in my next post, Controlling the Monkey Mind.

Having a great conversation should feel somewhat even, like a game of tennis. You lob one and I respond and you lob back. It can stop and change direction but there needs to be give and take. We have all been held ransom by the one sided “conversation” where the person just holds court, blabbing away about their point of view, never letting you get a word in. If you are that person, you are not communicating. You are lecturing and need to find a podium. Here are my top three criteria for knowing when you have had a good conversation:

1. The person you are talking with always looks interested. If you are totally present you will notice if they are zoning out or sputtering to get their point inserted.
2. People ask you questions about your point of view versus just moving on to their point.
3. You walk away at the end of the conversation and have learned something new about the topic or the person you have engaged.

When I was in the agency business, a consultant once gave us a list of 30 things we should know about our client and that list included their hobbies, family situation and many other personal details.

Why not make your own list of 30 things you would like people to know about you? Then start filling in the 30 things you know about your friends, family and colleagues. If your lists are not full, it is time to start conversing versus talking at people.