Number 25: Digging Shallow or Going Deep.
June 18, 2012
I learned about debriefing the hard way. The advertising agency world was not known for positive affirmations about your role in the “pitch”. Pitching a new piece of business was saved for the best performers and everyone was expected to play their part to the max. Rehearsing was downright ugly at times, with your peers critically watching you pretend to excite and inspire the invisible client. Some of my colleagues would be so rattled by the time they got to the pitch, they were popping muscle relaxants. I recall one poor woman being told she looked like she was singing in a choir by the way she held her notebook so they told her she could not use notes. Attention was drawn to nervous quirks to the point where the one pitching could think of nothing else. Imagine what they were like by the time we got to the dreaded debrief. If the pitch went well, the high-fives were flying and then if the business was won, you were certain to be in on the next presentation. When the pitch went sideways or the client asked a question that stumped someone, the debrief could be brutal.
Good deconstruction should help people duplicate the bright spots by recognizing and rewarding them. Consider every conversation or interaction an opportunity for deconstruction, even if only for a minute or two. What went well? What needed improvement? Think about the case in point and imagine it going another way based on the language selected or the pace of the discussion. Focus a lot on what went well.
Lou Tice, a motivational speaker, was the catalyst of this way of thinking for me. He shared a story about the football player whose coach repeatedly shows an athlete videos of his mistakes, and yet can’t figure out why he keeps making the same ones. Makes so much sense. Behaviourists talk about kids learning bad habits from their parents. I can’t imagine a baby born as a bully; bullying is definitely a learned behaviour. So, while I do not think we should sugar-coat our debriefs, we need to deconstruct with care and clarity.
Clarity comes from recognizing that the goal of “deconstruction” is to improve performance and results. Care must be taken in the use of language and examples that further that goal. I have kicked myself mentally around the block more than a few times after a communications faux pas. Getting to the core of why I messed up or reacted badly is in the "deconstruction." Why did I treat that person so cavalierly? Why did I bark at them? The shallow end of the pool usually involved excuses, blame or defensive comments. Well, it was his entire fault anyway for saying x or doing y. Deep deconstructing makes you look at the situation beyond the surface, into the words or actions and what they trigger for you. I am not going to get in a big psychological discussion here, but here is a series of questions that might help you probe your communications blunders and reduce the chance of repeating them.
Scenario: A conversation that ends with harsh words and both parties upset and angry.
Questions for your personal deconstruction:
- What started the decline of this conversation?
- Did I go into this situation planning a good ending?
- What was said or done that made me upset?
- Answer No. 3 again but don’t blame or be defensive.
- If you know you are coming from a good place, why did you react?
- If you could repeat the situation, what could you do that would change the result?
If we are fully present in the conversation, we can divert an argument and come to good conclusions. An article from Psychology Today shares a method call the 5% Rule to help keep you present and find a way to bridge the conversation. Speaking of bridging, that will be the subject of next Monday’s blog post – The Golden Gate to Your Point.
Share your 5% stories below.
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Follow-up to my blog post "This is No Time for an Ad":
In blog post #23 two weeks ago, I asked my readers to prioritize five
principles on a scale of one to five.
The chart below shows the results.
Accountability ranked highest and that struck a chord with me. If we work at being accountable for our
actions and our communications, I fully expect the world will be a better
place. My Mom drilled this into me with
her consistent, wise message – “I have taught you what I think is right and
wrong, now you must decide for yourself and take responsibility for your
actions.”
When
people were asked for other principles, here is a smattering of what we received
– many were mentioned more than once.
Kindness
Reliability
Enthusiasm
Constructive
Tolerance
Faith
Humility
Modesty
Genuine
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