Not everybody’s mom is a great communicator but it seems like they often know the right thing to say when you are in times of trouble. We know from research that when people are stressed they really want to know you care or that you understand their stress before they want to hear anything else. That’s compassion, the first “C” in the CCO template for dealing with sensitive matters. CCO stands for Compassion, Conviction and Optimism. Compassion does not mean you necessarily agree with the person, but that you can care when they are upset or concerned. For example, if you hurt someone’s feelings, even if unintentional, they want you to recognize the hurt. “Of course, no one wants to feel hurt like that…” Then you need to move on to the second “C”, Conviction: “I definitely did not intend to cause that feeling.” And finally we get to the “O": “I am sure we can work this out if we just talk it through and share our different perspectives.” You can practice CCO in the most benign situations, "Honey, I know how much you dislike doing homework on a beautiful sunny evening but the faster you get down to it, the sooner you can be outside again."

CCO is used in high risk situations to calm people and get right to the heart of the matter. It may seem like the first element, compassion, is just spin or sugar coating. Let me assure you it is not. When people are agitated, they need to hear the compassion first. It needs to be real and not patronizing, but it is needed. I know of an extreme case where an official thought using the template was not being totally honest and started with explaining new animal disease problems to an already panicked group of citizens. It caused a riot and deaths.

The multitudes of situations where you can bring CCO into play are staggering. Here are some conversational beginnings to illustrate:

Absolutely, you should be treated with respect …
Everyone needs to get accurate information at times like this …
No one should ever be caught by surprise in this situation …
Nobody’s loved one should ever be told …
Of course, you want to know …

Notice how there is no comment about who is to blame, or even agreeing that the information is accurate; it is all about understanding how the person feels — that is compassion. Depending on the situation, it is often smart to be careful in how you show compassion, particularly if there are legal ramifications. Saying you are sorry outright can sometimes appear as though you are accepting responsibility. Being sorry the person feels a certain way is totally acceptable, and human.

I call this the Mom Factor as it makes me think of that 1950s’ style of mother who always seemed to say the right things. And, they really do care how their kids feel.

There is a bigger format called the 'bad news template' that uses CCO but elaborates on a situation with at least three positives to help outweigh the negatives, then wraps up with some kind of action item. Even if the action is to keep someone up to date or promise more time to discuss, you need an action item. When it comes to the three positives, they have to be the right type of positives. Sometimes a statistic putting the situation in perspective can be helpful or a quote from an expert or book can help. Lately in the news there are stories about retirement complexes with bed bugs. Everybody knows bed bugs are hard to get rid of and people are complaining to the media that “somebody” needs to deal with them. The messages were clear – you have to completely de-clutter to fumigate and get rid of them. The tenants did not seem to hear that message as they took the TV crews through their crowded dwellings. The piece that was missing was the compassion. I would wager that’s really what was needed to calm the folks and get them working together. Bet they still have the bed bugs, even if they moved. Sigh.

How many stories can you recall where CCO might have turned things around? Try out this method for the next week and see if it starts to impact how people respond to requests to do unpopular jobs around the house or the workplace.

Got a CCO scenario you would like to share? Have you witnessed a great CCO example? Love to hear from you.

Next week we are going to explore The ACE. In keeping with our deck of cards theme, this ACE is one you will want to have up your sleeve when you want people to remember your words of wisdom.